A girl on the verge

WARNING THIS POST MAY BE DISTURBING & CONTAINS SENSITIVE SUBJECTS

This is my letter to a girl on the verge of an eating disorder.

There are girls that are right on the edge, teetering over the abyss of the black hole that is ED.  I look back on the last few years and the awful things I’ve put myself and those around me through.  I wish I could scream these words at my past self.  Would it have made any difference?  I don’t know.

All I can do is keep looking back so that I can keep moving forward.

Dear girl on the verge of an Eating Disorder,

  • One more hour on the treadmill will not silence those nagging voices in your head.
  • One less meal in the day will not ease that nervous feeling in your belly.
  • Cutting out every unnecessary calorie will not give you any more control over your life.
  • You will lose so much weight your period will stop.
  • You will go into early menopause and the doctors will prescribe you estrogen to try to reverse the damage you’ve done.
  • You might never be able to have children.
  • You will lose so much weight your butt cheeks will stop touching and will look like shriveled raisins.
  • Your legs will look like tiny toothpicks.
  • Your arms will look like twizzlers.
  • Your stomach will get a weird lower pouch.
  • Your skin will turn gray.
  • You will get a fine coat of hair all over your body, including your face.
  • You will feel like crying but be too exhausted to sob.
  • People will look at you with pity.
  • People will look at you in confusion and distaste.
  • No one, repeat, no one will look at you and admire the hard work/dedication it took to get that skinny.
  • You will lie in bed and wonder how you will ever get out of this black hole.  You will wonder if the only way out is death.  You will wonder why you are still alive.  You will wish you weren’t.

I wish I could warn the girl on the verge of all these things.

Most importantly, I wish I could tell the girl in the midst, that life gets better.  I want to shake her and tell her to breathe, to eat, and to live.  To live, for godsake, because to waste so much time is to spit in the face of the ultimate gift: life!

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15 thoughts on “A girl on the verge

  1. Even though it’s intense, I still really love this post. You make so many true statements and I think it’s amazing you want to help others see the horrors behind an ed. Really makes me thankful I’m no longer struggling!!! 🙂

    • i hope it’s not … TOO honest. i just want to show the real, true ugly side of ed. i think girls on the verge can glamorize the struggle and look at celebrities and minimize the absolute awfulness of the disease. i’m so glad i’m not struggling anymore, too! of course, there are bad days, but it’s never as bad as when i was fully “in it”.

    • thank you! i’m a big proponent of just speaking the truth, ugly/horrible/frightening as it may be. that may be why i have only a few really good friends. not that many people can take that honesty, but the ones who can will be there forever!

  2. At the ED clinic where I have accompanied my friend who used to suffer from anorexia, the therapist said that it’s the point at which you go from victim (of ED) to activist against the ED- that’s where you actually start to recover- when you make that shift. I’m sure this post will help many with EDs or budding EDs.

    • an “activist against the ED”- that’s such a great way to put it and it really hit home to me. thank you! i do feel like an activist. like i’m proactively fighting against it.every time i hear those thoughts to restrict, it’s an active battle to resist and find a better outlet for my anxiety. thank you, as always, for your amazing support deb!

  3. Its so powerful and true. Ive been there a long time ago and I wish I could have said those things to myself back when. Oh hindsight….But Im so glad you compiled this list and put it out there. Its strong and truthful and hopefully help others who are on the edge. Great post my darlin!

    • thank you girly! yes, hindsight is 20/20. i wish we could post the ugly truth all over the place! instead of usweekly featuring pics of stars that are getting “too skinny” – post pics of their shriveled up asses or bone scans of their pre-osteoporosis! i’m glad you’re out of the “black hole” – i’m glad i am, too! 🙂

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  5. This is a great post. Great great great. I wish someone had told me that when you recover from your ED, all those ugly things remain…the ugly, painful thoughts that are left behind; the lanugo (fine hair) that is STILL on my face; my slow resting HR and low blood pressure. I don’t know if it would have made a difference…but still.

    • thank you for your support & i’m so glad that you’re in a healthier place, too! it’s so sad that so many women have experienced this awful disease. we women have such potential to be powerful and i’ve frittered so much away. time to take it back!!!

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