Mood Killer

Hey friends.

Despite the fun and frivolity of the Blogger Iron Chef, I feel the need to get real with you all and share a struggle I’ve recently been dealing with.  I really respect others who put themselves out there and expose their vulnerabilities.  It makes us all feel a little more human and I think it makes us stronger.

***Feel free to close the reader and come back in a few days when I post on something more fun.***

Lately I’ve been Binge Eating.

Well, not necessarily eating, per se.  I’ve been binge chewing and spitting.

I hate even typing it because it feels so gross and I’m so ashamed and pissed at myself.  I’ve come so far in my journey from ED.

Walking down the aisle at my step-sis' wedding. Screaming in pain on the inside

I refuse to go back to that disordered mindset.  It was absolute pure hell and I never, ever, ever want to put myself or those around me through that again.

This latest version of disordered eating isn’t the same as before, though, and so I’m not sure how to handle it.  Before, I was restricting and purging (via exercise).  Lately, though, I’ve been eating everything in my cupboards (mainly protein bars and reduced-calorie/low-carb bread) but not letting myself swallow.  I spit it out in paper towels and hide it in the trash.

I always start doing it when I get stressed or start to feel anxiety about school/life/work.  For some reason, that act of letting go of control and zoning out while giving in to food seems so comforting.  I think that despite my steps at recovery, I still feel the need to practice extreme control over my food choices.  So, when I go through these binges, it’s such a weight off my shoulders and I feel free to stuff my face because I know that I’m going to spit it out anyway.

It’s so damaging psychologically, though, because I always feel terrible afterwards and it is such a slippery slope back into ED territory.

I’ve told J about it and he has been incredible supportive and has done his best to understand it and where I’m coming from.  I’m taking it day by day and fighting as hard as I can not to let myself fall back into bad habits.

I’ve come so far.  I’m happy.  My life is great!  Now it’s time for my mind to catch up!

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15 thoughts on “Mood Killer

  1. sweet friend, i am so thankful for your honesty and realness. We all struggle with anxiety and stress in certain ways and we need not overcome it alone! I definitely understand what your going through. I used to do that in fear that certain foods would make me sick again. It was a battle of the mind and lots of anxiety. I am so happy you told J. Take some time to eat at meals. no distrations. Let your mind clear itself and your body feel nourished. Easier said than done. But know you are never alone!!
    Huge Ass HUG!

    • i think you’re right about eating without distractions. i need to stop thinking about food as a distraction or as a way to ease anxiety. food should be comforting and nourishing but not a coping mechanism. didn’t you do a post awhile ago about eating one meal a day without distractions and just focusing on the meal itself?

  2. 😦 Aww man I’m so sorry buddy. Ya know something though? It took a lot of strength and courage to write something so truthful and honest. That kind of strength is hard to find and it’s the same strength that’ll get you through this! You’re an amazing person and an amazing friend, wish I could give you a big hug like lindsay! 🙂 You will beat this!!

    • thank you so much! i’m accepting your *virtual* hug! you’re so awesome – i was showing J your blog the other day & commenting on how strong you are and how i’ve gained strength from your success in recovery!

  3. Sharing this speaks volumes about who you are and where your journey has taken you. You will get through this, but having the self-awareness and openness to share is part of the healing process and a really good sign. In any struggle, especially ED, there are set-backs but you are definitely not all the way back and you will get through it! Thanks for your honesty and openness and I’m always here is you want to talk.

  4. Oh hun. I am SO GLAD you put this out here — I think you will be shocked how many people are ready for you to lean on them in this community…and I am among them. Seriously. Email me anytime, I will give you my cell phone number and we can text it out whenever you need to. ❤

    Rely on your family, your guy, your friends…your doctor…anyone you can. You're so much stronger than your ED.

  5. Back when I was more restrictive with my eating, I would have binges like these (except I would swallow). It’s like you get lost in it and turn into an eating-machine. Like others have said, it’s such a brave and important step for you to open up about it. I say, make a plan about what exactly you’re going to do when you feel stressed out. Maybe take a walk outside? Sometimes all it takes is a change of setting to get your mind off of food-as-stress-relief. But I know how hard it can be to do that once it starts, especially because of the psychoactive effect that food naturally has on our bodies. Hang in there!

    • i think you’re totally right about having a plan in place – that way i know exactly what to do when the anxiety hits. it’s way too easy to walk to the kitchen and start grabbing stuff and i need to make it easier to find a healthier alternative. i like your idea of a walk – it’ll get me outside and thinking about something other than whatever is stressing me out! thank you!

  6. I’ve been there too, and I know that it sucks. But believe me, you will get through it!! To be honest, the thing that helped me most was time. There usually isn’t one thing you can do to fix it, but a combination of planning, support from friends and family, and loving yourself no matter what (even after a binge) will help you.

    ::hugs::

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