Silence is not always golden

Hello friends, I thought I’d use this “Mum’s the Word Monday” to explain why I’ve been so mum lately.

One of the main reasons is that I’ve been up to my ears in papers, finals, and work.  I consider these “good” problems.  I am lucky enough to be able to attend a great university and study something I’m truly passionate in –  midterms are a privilege.  I’m also fortunate enough to have a job that needs me and a boss that respects my work enough to want me to do more – working extra hours is a privilege.  Still, the tasks stack up and I get overwhelmed.

But the other reason for my lack of blogging is, as my mom likes to point out, I get quiet when I’m upset.

And why am I upset?  Well, it’s another “good” problem.  You see, my ED recovery has gone really well and I’m at a healthy weight.  But I’m at the heaviest I’ve been in about 3-4 years and I’m basically crawling out of my skin.  I feel fat, bloated, and flabby.  I know, I know, I’m not actually fat or flabby … a little bloated but that’s just from too much broccoli. Smile  Trying to deal with this extra … me … is hard and it makes me want to crawl into a hole onto an elliptical.  I realize that I’ve been dealing with my anxiety issues since college but in many different ways – and none of them were healthy.  The last of which left me 86 lbs and barely holding on.

Now it’s time for me to deal with my emotions head on but it’s hard with my head so consumed with the number on the scale and the handful of flesh that I can’t stop grabbing.  I talked to J and my mom about this and they suggested reaching out to you fine people.

I’d love some advice or wisdom from past experiences.  Regardless, thank you for listening and for being a constant source of support.  I’ll get through these “good” problems.  Nothing’s broken me yet – I’m still here and I’ll keep fighting until I beat this thing.

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22 thoughts on “Silence is not always golden

  1. Oh my word, I’m so sorry to hear that 😦 I assumed your MIA-ness was due to studies, sorry to hear it’s a mix of studies and ED thoughts. I love your spunk and fervor for life though, you’re worth so much more than that dumb disease. Honestly, I think you look stunning and more gorgeous than ever before and your internal strength makes you even more beautiful! Stay strong friend, you CAN and WILL beat this!!!! 😀
    Feel free to email me if ever you need a friend to talk to! ❤

  2. Girl I may be a quiet in the ways of commenting but I still read! I know what it feels like, comparing yourself to an unrealistic body you once had, and it sucks. A lot. Recently I had an “ENOUGH!” moment with myself which is why I chucked the scale. I’m trying really hard now to focus on my gym performance, quality of food and portions (WITHOUT weighing), and generally how I feel/being happy. It’s hard but totally worth the effort and I’m always here if you need to vent ❤

    • thanks so much! i know that you can relate even though we had different experiences with our body battles, we still carry similar burdens of never-being-satisfied-itis. i’m really going to try to focus on racing and what my body can do now that it’s healthy rather than size. i could barely run outside when i was so thin – i should be thankful for the lbs and the miles they’ve afforded me!

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  3. Hey girl – I love reading your blog and I’m glad you’re doing well – but I’m sure it’s hard to cope with! Shoot me an e-mail if you ever wanna chat. You’re beautiful and I’m glad you’ve got some good stressors going on too – good luck with those!

    • thank you so much for your support! it really does mean so much to me! and i may very well lean on you for some advice – i’m strongly considering the rd route along with my master’s! i’d love your opinions and insights!

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  4. I get quiet too when I am upset. I understand. Thank u for sharing this. It’s gotta be the hardest part of that last bit of conquering ED. But you know what? You already have and flesh means nothing. God gave you a beautiful mind and heart and that weight is healing weight. Its curves that J can grab to. Its support for those running legs, its nourishment that finally settled in. Easy for us to say, harder to accept. Right? So know that we are all here to support. xoxo

    • nourishment that finally settled in. i love that. it’s a physical manifestation of my mind and soul’s healing. thank you for helping me re-frame my thoughts!

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  5. Hi there,

    I have no personal advice and a recovering anorexic friend of mine said you shouldn’t tell a recovering anorexic that they look ‘healthy’ as they hear “you look fat”. Well, I will just say that I saw the photos of you in your race and you looked healthy but not in any way fat- in fact slim, but healthy-slim, not emaciated-slim and that made me happy. I hope that you can come to terms with this new healthy you. It really looks great on you. hugs.

    • thank you so much. i think that i have more “disordered vision” rather than “disordered hearing.” i mean that, when people say that i look “healthy” i believe them but when i look in the mirror i see “fat.” i need to work on what i see so that i can put it more in line with what i hear. your support means so much. thank you, again.

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  6. This was the hardest part of the whole process for me =( There really are no shortcuts (doesn’t that suck??? I’m sorry) – you just have to kind of accept that you WILL be uncomfortable for a little while. It’s like adjusting your vision – you haven’t seen yourself correctly in YEARS so you can’t expect to see yourself accurately right away, you know? Your mind has to catch up with all of this.

    One day at a time ❤ It gets easier every single day even if you can't tell, until one day it's completely natural.

    • thank you. and i do honestly believe you. gaining weight and ending the physical eating disorder didn’t happen overnight. i need to realize that the physical side effects won’t end overnight, either. one day i woke up and was able to get off the elliptical. one day i will wake up and see myself for who i am. thank you so much.

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  7. Hey! So sorry I disappeared for awhile but I still read. Honestly Ive been there and back. Remember your body is an incredible machine, a gift..treat it well with loads of great foods (which I know you are=) Sometimes its hard to mentally accept change, but change is a good thing. It means you’ve learned and are taking your experience and everything you have learned and are moving on. Just take it step by step and always remember you are AMAZING!! The brain might take awhile to catch up but thats ok. Just one step at a time. You are doing great!!

    • seriously, thank you so much. i am going to take these extra lbs and realize they are my strength, my proof of healing and my reward for successful recovery. you’re awesome!

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  8. Thanks so much for sharing this. Sometimes it’s easy to think that you’re alone in the thoughts that you have until one person says something. I wouldn’t say that I ever had a full-blown ED but I’ve definitely been at the point where I was fixated on counting calories and losing weight and feeling guilty about food and weight, which in turn led to bingeing behavior. Since focusing more on athleticism and less on calorie-counting (which for me is a great mindset), I’ve gained about 10 lbs, and it freaked me out a lot. I compare myself to how I used to look and ponder how much gain was muscle and how much was fat and try to rationalize it as if it’s a problem. But then I stop myself and I ask myself two questions: 1) Am I making healthy choices? & 2) Disregarding the way that I used to look (which I wasn’t 100% satisfied with at the time anyways), how do I really feel about how I look now? If I were looking at someone who looked just like me on the street, what would I think of them?
    Usually for me the answers are 1) Yes, I’m worrying less about every single calorie I put in my mouth and focusing more on eating healthy foods that make me feel good and not worrying about eating something indulgent every once in a while (my old behaviors used to lead to binging behavior) not to mention that I’m in the best shape that I’ve been in and 2) I would think someone on the street who looks like me looks great. I would never judge them as harshly as I judge myself.
    It’s all a process, and I think it’s just important to recognize that and congratulate yourself for the steps you make in the right direction.
    You’re hilarious and honest and I love reading your blog! (Even if I’ve dropped off the face of the blogesphere since starting my internship)

    • your comment has really got me thinking. i tried to imagine what i would think if i saw someone who looked just like me on the street. and, like you, there’s no way i would think that a person with the same body was fat. in fact, there’s no way i would treat a friend the same way i treat myself. why are we so much harsher to ourselves than to everyone else? and you’re also right, this restriction/obsession is what leads to the binges. thank you for bringing your perspective – you’ve helped me think about it in a new way

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  9. Time heals…. I think for EDs it takes a LONG time – with many hurdles and set backs along the way… you’ve just got to keep in mind that life is AWESOME and an ED is a life-sucker.

    It’s either exist (barely, with an ED) or LIVE while telling the ED to fuck off. (Sorry it’s just a really good word in this sense).

    So so challenging, but you’ve got to realise that LIFE (J, your family, job, FUN) is amazing, and you have to relish is, extra flesh or not. You don’t want to get to the end, old and withered and realise that you didn’t LIVE because you were “feeding” the ED instead of yourself now do you?

    I’ve been missing you and your spark…. keep those gloves up, little fighter, punch that ED straight in the balls 🙂

    • wow, that was really powerful and you’re right, what a waste my life would be if i spent it circling the drain, tightly clinging to this ED. i need to let go and get on with it. and tell that ed where to shove it. 🙂

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