The burden of hiding

I don’t expect sympathy. I don’t expect commiseration. I don’t expect to be understood. What I expect is to be released from the burden of hiding. ~ Diane Keaton

As you may, or may not know, Diane Keaton recently confessed to a period in her life when she was plagued with bulimia. The interesting thing about this is that her dance with the devil took place 30 years ago.

The question is, why confess now? What good does it do for you or those that you’re telling? They can’t travel into the past to help her when she needed it.  Plus, she is recovered and she admits there is very little chance that the disordered behavior will resurface.  Is confession of her past bulimia a selfish act because the only person relieved by the admission is herself?

Confession of dark secrets has played a large role in my life lately.  My family, friends, and J all know about my history with my eating disorder.  They also know that (at least physically) my health is better and the disorder’s symptoms have passed. 

Yet, there are still some “tumors” remaining from that awful ED cancer that infected my brain – turning my thoughts to mush, my eyes – making me see rolls of fat where there were merely bones, my ears – making me hear its lies and promises of peace with one more lost pound. 

I do battle every day and sometimes I win.  And sometimes I lose.  But I always fight to be released from its grip and to just let go.

To stop trying to be everything to everyone because it just leads me to be no one to anyone.  It’s time to let go of the world I carry on my shoulders and to stand up tall.

Sometimes letting go means letting in.  Confession, for me, is my gift of vulnerability to the person listening. 

Here is my gift to you and to myself  in the process. 

I am surrounded by false voices but I am forever trying to hear the truth, the love, of our lives. 

I am a survivor of an eating disorder.  I am fighting everyday.  I am winning.

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10 thoughts on “The burden of hiding

  1. All I can offer is a big gooey squeezy cyber hug… and you know that I’m sending you all my love and spirit to help you continue to WIN the fight x

  2. Even though you still have rough days, at least you’re out there fighting. So many people would’ve just succumbed to ED.
    You are one of the strongest people I know and you have the support of so many loved ones! Like Lou said, I’m sending you tons of hugs to continue this fight with all your might! 🙂

    • thank you so much! i draw strength from you, too – you live your life according to your own principles and you don’t apologize for it. that’s awesome!

      >________________________________

  3. *Virtual hug* This was a beautiful thing to share. It’s terrible how scars remain and can keep haunting. Thank you, for the inspiration.

    • thank you for your support – the good thing about scars, though, is they remind you of how far you come and that the wound has indeed healed! 🙂 trying to see the bright side!

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